How to respond constructively instead of reacting destructively. 

Mike Lowe gives an overview of courses he has been facilitating in three countries on ‘Engaging Constructively in Challenging Conversations‘

Our emotional reactions to the turmoil we experience through various news sources are inevitable. As the great Indian poet Kabir writes:

You’re not human if you’re not outraged at how humans treat themselves, each other, innocent animals and the natural glorious world.

You’re not divine until you transmute your outrage into precise burning, passionate compassion energy – lifting your calm wild voice tirelessly to protect the voiceless; honour justice; make ice-clear the structures of fear, hatred and greed.

Many of us can see the logic of Kabir’s words, but lack the skills to put it into practice when we are triggered by the latest affront. This is where the course Engaging Constructively in Challenging Conversations (ECCC) created by Shoshana Faire can help.  Drawing on Shoshana’s decades of experience in conflict resolution, ECCC builds frameworks of understanding and skills practices to increase our capacity to respond constructively instead of reacting destructively. 

While overseas I facilitated three ECCC workshops in India and one in Indonesia. Conversations in all these groups were a familiar mix of learning to master difficult conversations with family, and on the other hand, how to address alarming polarisation around political issues in the wider society. In North East India we had to modify our language because, as one participant put it, ‘When I hear “conflict” I think about people getting beheaded!’

The principles of ‘change starts with me’ and ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ are central to Initiatives of Change. What I’ve learned through participating in and facilitating ECCC courses is how much this requires awareness of our default and unconscious patterns of thoughts and behaviour.

First we have to learn to recognise whenever we are speaking or acting out of our emotional reactions – and then to learn how to create the inner space to regulate our emotions. This centring allows us to consciously choose our intention when we find ourselves in a challenging conversation.  If we don’t consciously choose our intention (for example working towards an agreed outcome) then we risk running on unconscious default patterns of blaming, shaming and complaining, making demands and/or running away!

We so easily get attached to seeing things in terms of right or wrong, good or bad, true or false – and therefore so easily make the person we disagree with wrong, bad or false.  ECCC helps us move beyond these simple binaries, to see where we have attached our identity and ego to particular positions. This helps to move us beyond frustration and towards fascination. When we can put aside our beliefs, our certainties and our rightness – even temporarily – then we can be available to really listen to the other.

Listening is a skillset that is in short supply at the moment. So many people feel unheard, unseen, unappreciated or misunderstood. When we feel that someone has really listened to us, then trust is built and we are more resourced to engage with new ideas. How many have the skills to listen with genuine curiosity when faced with a viewpoint or a person who triggers strong emotions in us?

Through ECCC I have learned that my capacity to listen to others runs parallel to my capacity to listen to myself – something the course cultivates through various meditative practices.

After listening come the skills of engaging the other in a conversation, not an argument!  This includes how to express ourselves in ways that minimise the risk of the other person getting triggered into defensiveness or avoidance.  We learn to look for solutions rather than blame; for points of agreement and shared values rather than differences; we learn to make invitations and requests rather than demands.

There is a big difference between having understanding and having skills. I can read a book on Aikido but that probably won’t help me much if I get into a fight. Skills need constant practice to be developed. ECCC offers the foundational skills to be constructive in our challenging conversations which can be continually developed. At this particular time in history, I can think of no more important skills to work on.